any-spaces-whatever

by rohan, early morning, before school

2010-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Radiance

2010-03-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

In the middle of the night

My love will turn you on

rose scented

2010-03-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but. When I walked out the door I was engulfed with the scent of rose. Mmm, my hands were in the pockets of my vest, it was chilly outside. I have not used the rose scent of late, and my shirt is fresh from laundry, and although I have been wearing this lime green vest of late...I just have not used my rose scented spray of late. Traveling on bart I still smelled it. Maybe it was someone near me? Soon later, on the shuttle that takes you from Daly City Bart Station to SF State, I still smelled it. Walking to my cinema class, I still smelled it! Ok, this is no coincidence, it is not someone I chanced near, it is me. But how could this be?

I took a full breathe as I walked toward the fine arts building. Enjoying the rose. Yes, I was still tired, and now I was post grumpy...the scent of rose really doing me wonders. And the enjoyment of mystery.

***
The other day I bought rose coned incense and a deep redwood-gold star foiled incense holder for my dear friend e*. Before I gave her this gift, I put 3 rose scented cones in my pocket. Like premonitions of a secret to follow, three days later.

Shooting Water (Book Review I wrote)

2009-12-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

Below is a book review I wrote for Hyphen Magazine

Read the book, see the movie it references!

***

Shooting Water: A Memoir of Second Chances, Family and Filmmaking

a book by DEVYANI SALTZMAN

Coming of age is never easy. Especially when your life brings you up close and personal with the sharp edges between two parents, cultures and religions. In Shooting Water, Saltzman writes with a rawness that will make you embarrassed for her and then humbled by how honestly she explores and grows from her insecurities. The memoir begins in 1999 when Saltzman decides to accompany her mother, filmmaker Deepa Mehta, to the holy Indian city of Varanasi to assist with the production of Mehta's controversial film Water, about the plight of widows in colonial India. The planned three-month shoot was going to be the longest time Saltzman spent with her mother since her parents' divorce when she was 11, when Saltzman chose to live with her father-a Jewish Canadian photographer. Instead, Hindu fundamentalists shut down the movie one week into production. The subsequent five-year struggle to produce Water is the backdrop for Saltzman's multi-layered narrative, which chronicles her relationship with her mother with honesty and clarity. In the meantime, Saltzman falls in love, hits the crash of heartbreak, and goes to Oxford. Four years later, Saltzman rejoins the film crew in Sri Lanka as the film's still photographer. Saltzman's photographic eye serves her well. She writes her memoir eloquently, translating her journey into adulthood with a memorable, poetic and political lens. -Kirthi Nath

The Pond

2009-11-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

Her name was Girijha. When she was a child of five, the sunsets would be most dramatic. There were never other dramatic sunsets. The sky bled loudly. Time existed only as a way for her to express her personality. Hop scotch squares drawn with the colors blue, yellow and green. Sea shells as dice. With death, she did not die, only her personality.

This to that take it
in a splat.
Did I ever tell you about the pond?

Richly.

His voice sounded different to his sister. Does it, are you sure, what is different about it. Was she hearing the minute latitude of change? In five years this may be how his voice ends up, how exciting if she hears it from the beginning. The very beginning. This will be a very difficult thing to keep track of, I hope you understand this before you start investing so much attention. And plus, it might all be a hoax.

What a way.

How is he related to Girijha? He is not like the moon is not round.

On the pond
Me you and mildew
Farting

In the pond
It seemed so clear, so blue
Haunting

I don’t want to be there for you anymore.

On the forth day it started to disappear.

We all wanted to be strong.

-1999

Flying

2006-10-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2003

When I looked up just now I saw that it was still sunny outside, but it must have been breezy because the grown plant outside was swaying. “Swaying the in the wind” have you.

Sometimes it is hard to imagine what I have never experienced, but sometimes that is the only way.

If I stopped feeling bloated and felt empty and hungry I could eat as I wanted to. Actually, I know I can do anything I want to, but what holds me back is knowing what feels better and the knowing that this is a distraction for something else. I want to touch, but don’t know where or what. Like when you take a deep breathe but your nose is slightly clogged up as if you had allergies but you don’t. At least not last time you checked, or forever as you knew it. What would it mean if every place you visited in the next week had a stash of pistachios. It would mean nothing at all, but what could it mean?

Yesterday in the documentary film I saw the granddaughter recited that her grandfather thought his wife was an obstacle to his spiritual growth. Her grandmother said her husband was an obstacle to her human growth.

They had had a love marriage and after 20 years divorced in the 1950’s, India. 60 years later when her ex-husband was on his deathbed going mad and thinking he was in a time 70 years prior still in love with his wife, she refused to come see him. Her anger towards him was in a hole that would never be rooted enough to break away, it swayed in the never ending.

Is one silent when they are flying?

it has been way longer then i wish

2006-09-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

It has been way longer then I wish

Close your eyes and watch as the orange light shines in the surface. Next, point your chest toward the sky and open your heart. Really, open it. She is going to stop drinking so she can honor her body and not be numb. She is really going to do it this time.

Last night she got home around midnight but for strange reasons ended up staying awake till 6 am. The hour before sleep was spent preparing a meal, which unlike most, did not turn out that great. There is usually never any bread in the house and when there is, it goes bad. A lot of things go bad. There is nothing redeeming about smoking, but last night, when she stood outside on her balcony there was a parade of leaves on the street. This is the sign, it is the time for fall.

sept 11 for 2006; breathe, beacause it matters

2006-09-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

On the eve of sept 11, 2006, I start a new class with my amazing YouthLink students.

Been thinking a lot about what it means to live in the world today.

When I watch the work they have been making, it takes my breath away.

Tomorow we meet and I am going to give them the following proposals for thier advanced projects:

YL 30 Advanced Video Class:
Documenting history as it happens so we can carve out a space for the future

It has been 5 years since the 9/11 tragedy. How this incident changed and continues to change the world, the US and impact the lives of individuals is expansive. How it will be recorded and written in the history books is a timely and important question.

What do President Bush’s Post 9/11 anti-terror policies mean to you? How do they directly and indirectly impact the world we live in? What kind of future lies ahead? How does 9/11 overshadow other important and urgent issues that need attention both locally and globally? What does this all mean for you and how do you think it effects your present life, your future world?

While mainstream Hollywood pictures, and biased media (on both sides) present their view of life since 9/11, you (YouthLink 30 students) will research, discover and explore other, all to often silenced and unattended stories that may otherwise never make it into the news or the big screen. We will use the September 11 tragedy as a way to explore what it means to be alive in the world today, through the eyes of US based youth. We will make media that will not only contribute to the writing of this history, but, by sharing new and fresh perspectives and stories, have an impact on the future.

i am still

2006-02-18T04:32:00.000-08:00

i am still in "love" with her.

if you want to know more, or change things, please do so.

i am ready.

are you?

i am also kind, fyi.

Options_Poetry

2006-02-18T04:03:00.000-08:00

I like options.

It is cold, my fingers.

Brink of cold.

But.

Linda tells me, kiddo, learn to take the

shortcut.

Love Yourself.

Don't be so mean.

No one will ever know.

All of a sudden:

In the airport, Bangalore to SFO. I drink the pineapple juice not because I am thirsty but bc Ajji made it for me. With love. I love and drink. It suffocates me a little. What does it all mean?

Still in the airport, then on the airplane, I try to hold on, everything is there, but undertermined.

I am here for the present.

rekha tells me

2006-02-18T02:54:00.000-08:00

i updated my blog!
you and me are probably the only people who read it.
happy saturday

You died of a broken heart in your past life

2006-02-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

You died of a broken heart in your past life.

She asks me what I need to know to let go.

How can I be open to love?

Ok, let me explain something and then I will ask you again.

Imagine that you are in your room.
I am in my room.
Look around.
It is light blue. The walls, the painted wooden floor, the sun light slips between the white curtains. Pulled together at the center.
Now, you need to look around to see what is in there that you can take out. For example, you have a big almara that is blocking up the space. It is time.
I know it is there, but I can't see it as such, as this is a metaphor anyway.
You need to take this thing out before you let something new in.

I am going to ask you once again.

I have three words: my father, confidence, desire.

She draws the 4 of cups.

A woman has her back to the deep blue ocean. She is in an open walled temple. She sits in the middle as 2 women talk to her.

You are usually the listener and the teacher. You have been trying to compensate for the one who left.

Do you know what you need to do?

I am fixated on the blue of the water.

In yoga class I realize, I have no idea what to do. Be present. Be here. Or fall. Look at that point on the ground to keep your balance. Move your torso, keep your hips where they are. Breathe. Om Namo Naryana.

For my bed, I finally get a new cover. A quilt. I sweep and bleach-mop my floor. I will take out the trash next week. I draw the curtains. I burn a lilac scented incense.

happiness, peace- the conflation of other things too

2006-02-01T08:31:00.001-08:00

i am officially conflating my public and private addresses. aka: thus starts the part where i cut and paste from a letter i wrote onto my blog. with edits, of course.

not like i have never done it before, as if.

*

loveley you,

in meditation, when howie was reciting a poem, i had a breakthrough glimpse that i may be able to connect with f's poetry after all. i bet her poetry is zen! well, ok, it may be catholic, but underneath all religion is spiritual... (yes, i know her writing is more spiritual anyway)

have not tried it yet, but so excited, i had to tell you.

howie was on fire last night. i am still musing over some inspired thoughts. to share.

also, i was thinking lovely and fond thoughts about you last night!

i re-encountered that i had that feeling (for you) again, which i have had for the whole 10 + years we have been friends: every day and every moment i am excited to know you!

oh la la, i love being in the present. i think i love fluidity- i guess some call it change too. being alive. i love, as neela calls it, being in love with my friends!

dude, it feels so good to feel alive and connected to those i love.

i am not sure if what i feel inside jingling around is happiness or peace.

i woke up at 7:28 am this morning because i had to pea and because i wanted to google and find an online entry of frida kahlo's journal entry. did not find it, but i crave it.

let's make a date soon.

make me a list of juicy things from your school week, or scan cartons you have drawn while in class.

nb wants to write a graphic novel and i said, um, hello, talk to akd!

love, kn

ps. i want another tattoo...i even have an idea!

here is a give away hint: waterfall.

liquid musings

2006-02-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

liquid musings:

chamomile tea- yum yum
fruit punch gatorade- always
water- forever
more water- all around
green tea - cultivating
coffee -may be leaving
orange spice tea- tonight's discovery
morning blend from joe's corner store- ah, yeah
hot cocco with soy - sleepy
buttermilk -yes, it is true
sangria- refreshing
red wine- smooth, sometimes
banana soy shake- yes i can drink milk
water with saffron- yet to try

*

of course compiling this list was inspired.

*

i have also been researching and collecting artists' blogs and journal entries. want to introduce my students to the world of "filmmaker" journal via an online blog.
woke up this morning at 7:28 am - mostly because i had to pea, mostly because i was dreaming of a reading of frida kahlo's journal. here i am blogging, before i go onto google again to find a frida entry in the world wide web.

2005-11-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

Letting Go

Watch the video

october as it changes in to fall

2005-10-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, we did have true fun.

Lake Alpine. Cataract Falls. The trail with seven waterfalls, the trail uncovered. This is what it will be like below when the water is falling.

Leaves trickling down in a circle on top of a circle on top of a circle. Simple. Spiral.

The only reason rain will be ok this year.

Choosing not to be so fixated.
Letting go.
Having new dreams.
Wanting then needing 8 hours of sleep.

Letting it go.
Having it come back.

She stops me mid-sentence to ask, when you say we, are you talking about me and you we, or we as people in general?

Are you over her?
Umm, No.

NY cheery blossoms.
In my film they will be beautiful, but they will be out of focus. Of course.

Paper flying. Mt wonder.

october before fall

2005-10-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

Queen of dreams
Dreams
Topics for blogs
Moments encountered

Man in a swimming pool with a pet shark

Artist’s way at work & globization- felt now 2005 such a reality, but in 1998?

13 ways a scenario can go. With you.
Something.

Things to retry- see if opinion or way of taking in has changed.
Like a movie, a book.

Things you knew you’d always do one day, but didn’t know today was that day.
Walgreens and passport photos.

The 1980’s, those bird chirping things. Fill water in, blow makes noise.

Mexican restaurant downtown. Shirley temples, monkey hangings in cokes. DAD.

Things that are funny.

Dogs barking. I’m inside my house now and I look out my front door (and pull the curtain aside). A man looks at me as he is about to enter a car parked in front of my house. I’m in my room. The dogs are still barking. It’s weird. It is hot in my room, I go to prop the window open, the man is now in his car and he looks at me like I’m catching him in the middle of something bad. There is a car stopped in the middle of the street. That car has the barking dogs. The dogs bark like something hysterically bad is being done to them,. That is why I look out my window. At first. Every time I look out the window, then man who is in the car next to the car with the barking dogs looks at me.

Just like that, the sun went down.

Laying on my back, looking up it is only the blue sky, a warm wind and the drowned noises of car that I make into the ocean.

and she does

2005-08-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

visual metaphors for ambiguity and fluidity
open up for viewer
questions of the space of looking
open up places of uncertainty
dreams like dreaming of tomatoes
like writing a letter, " I am adrift"
like opening a dream, I was that woman

what is it that I am afraid of, about loss- that is the key to my work

image breaking up and losing physical
and she does

patience smatience, but the color blue

2005-08-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today I am having trouble being patient. Really, this probably means that I need to go swimming, do yoga…something to calm down. Instead I am dilly-dallying on my computer. Maybe I should do some jumping jacks soon.

Last night I thought I was heating up water in the teakettle, but there was no water in the pot. I took the scorched teapot to the sink, with the intent of filling it up, and by gee golly, I burned my left-hand middle finger- a steam burn! I should have thought this through, especially since I was talking science like stuff at dinner with Abby Paske and Kester Allen. Alas, my thought process was checked out. Today I have a water boil bump the size of a mini mountain. Gross. Well, it is going to be gross when it pops.

When oh when will it pop, what will I be doing, how will it pop, will it hurt?

Sometimes I dislike not knowing… some days I retain and nurture my control tendencies. This has not happened for a while, but something is in the air this week.

Patience rhymes with smatience, That is my song today, "patience smatience! - patience smatience! - oh - la- la- la"

I want to go on a trip in Nov and Dec, but everything at work is up in the air until next week, so I have to wait to figure it out. Waiting. Wait. That is the real tune behind my song for the day. I do not like waiting. That is part of why I do not like airports or plane rides. But I love process...like working on a film for 1 year.

Campbell told me last week that blue is our default color and it also had something to do with why we see the sky as blue. I made AP and KA explain this to me. We decided that one- blue is the easiest color for us to see (a science thing) and two- in our eyes, the blue receptors are the most sensitive. Which came first the blue sky or our sensitivity to blue?

Blue is the color is infinite possibility.

made up word again: hilario

2005-08-16T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hilario-

like hilarious but even better bc it can be something you say to your friend like a code word, or just as crack me up, not the pressure of being comic hilarious, but, you know.

when i first used it with jas, she had her own version- hilarity...but now when she needs to say the same to me, she says, yeah, it was hilario!

i wish you all some hilario in your life.

it all will fall right into place

2005-08-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

i have been inspired by summi, neela and aysha and hence here i am, blogging.

i am listening to a song that is telling that it all will fall, right into place. i do believe it.

my mom keeps trying to make it a rule that i call her every two days (and she will also follow the rule and do that same for her mom). i do like to follow rules. well, most of them. this is something funny i have discovered about myself. like for example, if it is a rule not to use a certain tripod with a certain camera bc it is potentially dangerous, i will not do it. ok, see, i am not as much a rule follower, just really into being practical. prior to this time, i have resisted my moms made up rule, but lately, i really do not mind. it is the least i can do, if that means she feels i love her when i make a simple call.

so what else is falling into place. everything! even the things i do not know about and the things that have not yet fallen into place.

see, i am starting to believe in the universe and the power of my heart and soul again. if i am sincere and true to myself and kind, then it will ripple in the universe.

joe- he owns and runs the corner store down the street. he is always so kind, yes, he has aura that blows the roof off. so many people go into his store and he is so pleasant to interact with. i think he adds goodness to our little strand of 20th street.

zabeen- the made of word of last year; i believe in making up words

2005-08-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

Zabeen \zaa bean/ vb (adj)

1. Starts off like a could’ve been, in the sense of wistfulness. Maybe. But better described by this anecdote: “Someone once described to me the Portuguese word ‘Saudade’ – she said it meant to miss someone. Not just to miss someone, but more. Like when you are at the train station and the someone you love is on the train."

2. The moment before a departure when you miss someone like you may never see them again.

3. A word best described by the above metaphorical anecdotes.

4. A verb (that you can make into an adjective). A complex emotion in relation to someone.

vb. when I saw you I felt zabeen (towards you).

Adj. ---fill in the blank-----

New ways to use Zabeen:

When you are on the phone with someone you love (friend, family, lover), and you are about to hang up….”oh, zabeen already!”

“Slang”:

To someone you are very fond of and use of zabeen frequently in your dialogues…. “hi, zabeen!, …..”