Flying

October 5, 2003

When I looked up just now I saw that it was still sunny outside, but it must have been breezy because the grown plant outside was swaying. “Swaying the in the wind” have you.

Sometimes it is hard to imagine what I have never experienced, but sometimes that is the only way.

If I stopped feeling bloated and felt empty and hungry I could eat as I wanted to. Actually, I know I can do anything I want to, but what holds me back is knowing what feels better and the knowing that this is a distraction for something else. I want to touch, but don’t know where or what. Like when you take a deep breathe but your nose is slightly clogged up as if you had allergies but you don’t. At least not last time you checked, or forever as you knew it. What would it mean if every place you visited in the next week had a stash of pistachios. It would mean nothing at all, but what could it mean?

Yesterday in the documentary film I saw the granddaughter recited that her grandfather thought his wife was an obstacle to his spiritual growth. Her grandmother said her husband was an obstacle to her human growth.

They had had a love marriage and after 20 years divorced in the 1950’s, India. 60 years later when her ex-husband was on his deathbed going mad and thinking he was in a time 70 years prior still in love with his wife, she refused to come see him. Her anger towards him was in a hole that would never be rooted enough to break away, it swayed in the never ending.

Is one silent when they are flying?

it has been way longer then i wish

It has been way longer then I wish

Close your eyes and watch as the orange light shines in the surface. Next, point your chest toward the sky and open your heart. Really, open it. She is going to stop drinking so she can honor her body and not be numb. She is really going to do it this time.

Last night she got home around midnight but for strange reasons ended up staying awake till 6 am. The hour before sleep was spent preparing a meal, which unlike most, did not turn out that great. There is usually never any bread in the house and when there is, it goes bad. A lot of things go bad. There is nothing redeeming about smoking, but last night, when she stood outside on her balcony there was a parade of leaves on the street. This is the sign, it is the time for fall.

i am still

i am still in "love" with her.

if you want to know more, or change things, please do so.

i am ready.


are you?

i am also kind, fyi.

Options_Poetry

I like options.

It is cold, my fingers.

Brink of cold.

But.

Linda tells me, kiddo, learn to take the

shortcut.

Love Yourself.

Don't be so mean.

No one will ever know.

All of a sudden:

In the airport, Bangalore to SFO. I drink the pineapple juice not because I am thirsty but bc Ajji made it for me. With love. I love and drink. It suffocates me a little. What does it all mean?

Still in the airport, then on the airplane, I try to hold on, everything is there, but undertermined.

I am here for the present.

rekha tells me

i updated my blog!
you and me are probably the only people who read it.
happy saturday

You died of a broken heart in your past life

You died of a broken heart in your past life.

She asks me what I need to know to let go.

How can I be open to love?

Ok, let me explain something and then I will ask you again.

Imagine that you are in your room.
I am in my room.
Look around.
It is light blue. The walls, the painted wooden floor, the sun light slips between the white curtains. Pulled together at the center.
Now, you need to look around to see what is in there that you can take out. For example, you have a big almara that is blocking up the space. It is time.
I know it is there, but I can't see it as such, as this is a metaphor anyway.
You need to take this thing out before you let something new in.

I am going to ask you once again.

I have three words: my father, confidence, desire.

She draws the 4 of cups.

A woman has her back to the deep blue ocean. She is in an open walled temple. She sits in the middle as 2 women talk to her.

You are usually the listener and the teacher. You have been trying to compensate for the one who left.

Do you know what you need to do?

I am fixated on the blue of the water.

In yoga class I realize, I have no idea what to do. Be present. Be here. Or fall. Look at that point on the ground to keep your balance. Move your torso, keep your hips where they are. Breathe. Om Namo Naryana.

For my bed, I finally get a new cover. A quilt. I sweep and bleach-mop my floor. I will take out the trash next week. I draw the curtains. I burn a lilac scented incense.

happiness, peace- the conflation of other things too

i am officially conflating my public and private addresses. aka: thus starts the part where i cut and paste from a letter i wrote onto my blog. with edits, of course.

not like i have never done it before, as if.

*

loveley you,

in meditation, when howie was reciting a poem, i had a breakthrough glimpse that i may be able to connect with f's poetry after all. i bet her poetry is zen! well, ok, it may be catholic, but underneath all religion is spiritual... (yes, i know her writing is more spiritual anyway)

have not tried it yet, but so excited, i had to tell you.

howie was on fire last night. i am still musing over some inspired thoughts. to share.

also, i was thinking lovely and fond thoughts about you last night!

i re-encountered that i had that feeling (for you) again, which i have had for the whole 10 + years we have been friends: every day and every moment i am excited to know you!

oh la la, i love being in the present. i think i love fluidity- i guess some call it change too. being alive. i love, as neela calls it, being in love with my friends!

dude, it feels so good to feel alive and connected to those i love.

i am not sure if what i feel inside jingling aruond is happiness or peace.

i woke up at 7:28 am this morning because i had to pea and because i wanted to google and find an online entry of frida kahlo's journal entry. did not find it, but i crave it.

let's make a date soon.

make me a list of juicy things from your school week, or scan cartons you have drawn while in class.

nb wants to write a graphic novel and i said, um, hello, talk to akd!

love, kn

ps. i want another tattoo...i even have an idea!

here is a give away hint: waterfall.

liquid musings

liquid musings:

chamomile tea- yum yum
fruit punch gatorade- always
water- forever
more water- all around
green tea - cultivating
coffee -may be leaving
orange spice tea- tonight's discovery
morning blend from joe's corner store- ah, yeah
hot cocco with soy - sleepy
buttermilk -yes, it is true
sangria- refreshing
red wine- smooth, sometimes
banana soy shake- yes i can drink milk
water with saffron- yet to try


*

of course compiling this list was inspired by a girl.

*

i have also been researching and collecting artists' blogs and journal entries. want to introduce my students to the world of "filmmaker" journal via an online blog.
woke up this morning at 7:28 am - mostly because i had to pea, mostly because i was dreaming of a reading of frida kahlo's journal. here i am blogging, before i go onto google again to find a frida entry in the world wide web.

Letting Go

Letting Go

Watch the video

october as it changes in to fall

Yes, we did have true fun.

Lake Alpine. Cataract Falls. The trail with seven waterfalls, the trail uncovered. This is what it will be like below when the water is falling.

Leaves trickling down in a circle on top of a circle on top of a circle. Simple. Spiral.

The only reason rain will be ok this year.

Choosing not to be so fixated.
Letting go.
Having new dreams.
Wanting then needing 8 hours of sleep.

Letting it go.
Having it come back.

She stops me mid-sentence to ask, when you say we, are you talking about me and you we, or we as people in general?

Are you over her?
Umm, No.

NY cheery blossoms.
In my film they will be beautiful, but they will be out of focus. Of course.

Paper flying. Mt wonder.

october before fall

Queen of dreams
Dreams
Topics for blogs
Moments encountered

Man in a swimming pool with a pet shark

Artist’s way at work & globization- felt now 2005 such a reality, but in 1998?

13 ways a scenario can go. With you.
Something.

Things to retry- see if opinion or way of taking in has changed.
Like a movie, a book.

Things you knew you’d always do one day, but didn’t know today was that day.
Walgreens and passport photos.

The 1980’s, those bird chirping things. Fill water in, blow makes noise.

Mexican restaurant downtown. Shirley temples, monkey hangings in cokes. DAD.

Things that are funny.

Dogs barking. I’m inside my house now and I look out my front door (and pull the curtain aside). A man looks at me as he is about to enter a car parked in front of my house. I’m in my room. The dogs are still barking. It’s weird. It is hot in my room, I go to prop the window open, the man is now in his car and he looks at me like I’m catching him in the middle of something bad. There is a car stopped in the middle of the street. That car has the barking dogs. The dogs bark like something hysterically bad is being done to them,. That is why I look out my window. At first. Every time I look out the window, then man who is in the car next to the car with the barking dogs looks at me.

Just like that, the sun went down.

Laying on my back, looking up it is only the blue sky, a warm wind and the drowned noises of car that I make into the ocean.